There's a homeless woman in my neighborhood who walks down the street berating herself out loud, calling herself names and criticizing herself harshly.
She stands out against all the silent people walking past her and yet it occurred to me that the major difference between her and them or me is that she is saying out loud what many of us say in our heads.
Yes, we all have an internalized critic who can unleash the cruelest reprimands, a voice that can be so ingrained, we hardly notice that we're calling ourselves names. Stupid. Loser. Fuck up.
Old. Dumb. Useless.
I don't know what words you use, but I know they are unkind.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Oddly enough, research and experience teaches us that this harsh voice wants the best for us. This cruel master wants to protect us and to assist us. It just has a screwed up approach that uses making us feel badly as leverage to change our behavior.
On the one hand, this can be an effective approach as the brain is highly skilled at creating neural pathways for and thus remembering negative experiences. That's why we are so good at calling ourselves names and hardly knowing that we are doing it.
The downside is that the more we do this, the better we get at it. And it drains our energy and dampens our joy. Unrelenting self criticism puts us at greater risk for depression and makes us less able to handle stress.
The antidote is self-compassion.
What does that mean and how do I do it, you may well ask?
A simple place to start is: How would you talk to a friend or a child?
How would your best friend talk to you?
Self-compassion enhances resilience, self-worth and our ability to make positive changes. And it feels immensely better.
Bottom line: You deserve your own kindness.
Even when you fuck up.
Especially when you fuck up.
Cause everyone fucks up and you are going to again.
Cause you're human.
Recognizing that we want the best for ourselves and that we can get there with kindness can be the greatest tool for transforming our inner dialog from cruel to kind.
Powerful Questions of The Week:
How do you talk to yourself in your own mind?
What would be different if you were kind to yourself?
(originally published May 28, 2015)